Shortly after we arrived home I turned into an anxious mess! I was so afraid of doing something "wrong" and further "damaging" my baby girl. At the hospital I was able to nurse Aliyah a few times but she was so small at 5 lbs 7oz that she wouldn't stay awake long enough to feed for an adequate amount of time plus as with my first child because of my nipples being on the smaller side, {I know! TMI hahaha} both my babies had a hard time latching on to me. I consulted with a Lactation Consultant which advised me to nurse my baby with a nipple shield {I HATE THOSE THINGS!} every two hours plus pump afterwards 24/7 (which hurt like hell!) to keep my milk supply up. I then had to bottle feed the breast milk to Aliyah after nursing her to insure she was getting enough since its easier to drink from the bottle vs the breast. OH MY GOSH!!! that was a lot of work! I felt like a cow milking myself all day and all night running on no sleep it was horrible. After a few weeks of this hellish task I was starting to loose it big time, I was reaching my breaking point. I just didn't want to pump and feed anymore I just couldn't keep doing it, I asked to see the Lactation Consultant again I wanted to work with Aliyah so she would latch on to me without the shield so that I wouldn't have to pump every two hours! We worked hard but because of my darn nipples my baby just couldn't latch properly without the shield. The LC then told me that some "studies" in Europe showed that breastfeed children have higher IQ's and that because Aliyah had Down syndrome it was vital that I continue no matter what. Against my own instincts I agreed to keep going, if I can advise any woman "just follow your own gut you and only you know your limits."
Mind you I was still seeing Ms.V for weekly therapy sessions this whole time, she had advised me that since pumping was causing me so much stress and most importantly sleepless night after, sleepless night (which happens to be one of my major triggers for depression) that I should stop pumping and start formula feeding my baby. But I'm stubborn and I didn't listen to myself or to Ms. V boy was that a BIG mistake.
By Thanksgiving I was a complete disaster I couldn't sleep at all, couldn't eat, I was crying all the time I was so disappointed and angry with my own body because I couldn't do what most woman don't think twice about that is feeding their babies without machines and gadgets. Not only did I do "this" to my baby {by that I mean I gave her DS} (because I was born with a translocated 15th and 21st chromosome causing her to have an extra 21st so in my mind I was to blame for all this) but I also COULDN'T even feed her.
By this point I also started to notice some of her "differences" for example the shape of her eyes and the way they would kinda cross at times many friends who didn't know about her diagnosis would make comments that she looked "Asian." Her tiny size, she was a few months old but was still the size of a preemie baby. She also never cried at all we had to set alarms to awake her for feedings like she could care less if she got fed this made me so sad. Her little feet would turn blue when I was feeding her that was so scary but the Doctor's kept saying to my husband and I that it was nothing serious. I kept blaming myself for all these "defects" I had given my baby. I would cry and pray "Why God? Why did this happen? I would give my life to you so that my baby would be cured of this." but that never happened no matter how much I begged and pleaded with God.
In December 2010 my depression was taking a turn for the worst. I was starting to really hate myself, I wanted to die, in my mind I blamed myself for giving Aliyah Down syndrome. Ms.V my therapist was watching me closely every week and suggested I check myself into a partial hospitalization program where I would receive 6 hours of group therapy a day 5 days a week. She insisted I needed to be removed from my mommy duties to take care of my mental illness so that I could avoid getting sicker and end up in the hospital inpatient. With great pain I agreed to treatment since I was like a zombie by this point and I wasn't really much of a mom to my girls anyway. Ricky my husband took some time off work to care for our daughters. This was so hard for me, I like to do it ALL with no one's help, I had so much guilt for just passing on my responsibilities to my hubby but he's a REAL man he stepped up once again. I started my group therapy classes and finally agreed with my Doctor to start medication for my depression symptoms. After a six week treatment I was stepped down to 3 hrs a day 3 days a week and finally discharged to resume my normal life.
The group therapy did not "fix" my problems or "cure" my daughter but it was an eye opener I was able to sort through my negative thinking and see the reality of this situation. I was finally able to believe for the first time that I DID NOTHING WRONG, I WAS NOT TO BLAME FOR ANYTHING! Aliyah was born with Ds because it was God's will, just like it was God's will that I was born with my chromosome disorder or you were born with X color hair and X color eyes. I learned that life's hard and we all have our trials in some way or another it's all in how you look at these challenges in your life. In some ways Aliyah has given me so much free "therapy" she shows me everyday that no matter how hard something is you keep trying, she never gives up. She's my hero. Of course I am human and my depression has never went "away" (that's the nature of the beast) it creeps up on me from time to time but with the proper support and medical intervention I have been able to live my life to the fullest with my loving husband and two beautiful daughter's. I'm now happy to be on this roller coaster that was terrifying at first but now I see it as an adventure, a wild one full of twists and turns. Hold on tight!!!
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