"That's so retarded!"

More Alike Than Different

by Andi Sligh

People who don't have experience with disabilities don't quite know how to react to us. Many times, an individual's discomfort with disability prompts them to speak in clichés or act awkwardly. As the mother of two children with disabilities—my daughter has cerebral palsy; my son has Down syndrome—I've encountered many interesting reactions over the years.

Talking with other parents of children with special needs, we all seem to agree that certain things people do and say drive us a little nutty. Unfortunately, they're some of the most common reactions we encounter, and most are seemingly innocuous.

We are truly more alike than different, and I want to put the typical folks at ease, so I've prepared a list of the Top 5 Things to Avoid When Interacting with a Special Needs Parent:

"God only gives special children to special people."

I appreciate the sentiment, but what exactly makes me more special than another parent? I'm kinda lazy. I swear. I avoid my daughter's school field trips like the plague. Room mom? Never!

Everybody loves a compliment, but the truth is that I'm not special and I'm not amazing. I'm just a mom. If there is anything about me that is special, it's that I have special kids, not the other way around.

"You are so much stronger than me. I don't know how you do it. I couldn't handle it."

Let me let you in on a secret: when it comes to your babies—whatever it is—you handle it. The only alternative is to crawl into the fetal position and pretend it's not happening. But that's not a good way to live, so you have to eventually get off the floor and face it, because your babies are counting on you.

"I'm so sorry," or worse: The Pity Stare

Here's another secret: a lot of us special mamas actually feel sorry for typical parents, because you miss out on being a part of our community. When your kids achieve things, it's generally not a huge deal (after the first kid, anyway!). But everything is cause for celebration in our house!

Yes, there are times when life is tough. Yes, there are times we wish we were like you. But just having this thing—this challenge—doesn't mean that our lives, or those of our children, are sad or tragic.

No one is perfect; we all have flaws. Throughout life, we each choose how much of our flaws we reveal to those around us. People with disabilities have awesome strengths. The main difference is that they can't hide their weaknesses like the rest of us.

Critical statements about our parenting

(including dirty looks)

Sadly, there are a lot of less-than-stellar parents in the world. But before you make a loud comment while standing in line for the Pirates of the Caribbean ride about how strollers aren't allowed, stop to think. Maybe that stroller is being used as a wheelchair for a little girl who doesn't have the stamina to stand in line for 45 minutes to see Jack Sparrow.

Occasionally, we do benefit from our specialness. But more often, we are like salmon swimming upstream. Please don't begrudge us the opportunity to do things that typical families do. Cut us some slack if every once in a blue moon we actually have it a touch easier.

"That's so retarded!"

Most people who use the R-word probably don't know how their words affect people with intellectual disabilities, their families and friends—we understand that. When questioned, they'll say, "...but I didn't mean..." and I'm sure that's true. But the bottom line is: the R-word is never used to describe something or someone in a positive way. "Retarded" is never a compliment.

Differently-abled children (and their parents) have dreams, just like typical folks. We all need friends and love. We are more alike than different. Don't let the tiny things that distinguish us separate us.

(This article is a reprint from Dandelion Bay Area Summer 2012)