WELCOME Please start here "She's gonna stay small forever"

    In late 2009 my husband Ricky and I had been happily married for 5 years and already had one beautiful daughter we named Maricela. Our first born was about to turn 4 years of age and after much thought and discussion we felt that we were finally ready to give her a sibling. I had to admit secretly I was not as "ready" as my husband, to tell you the truth I was completely terrified of having another child. 

My first born Maricela and me! the new mommy 2006

   Why?? Well because...in 2006 shortly after the birth of my first I went into a deep and dangerous depression. Two weeks after her birth I had to check myself into a psychiatric hospital, because I was in a complete haze. I was able to care for my baby girl but I was so anxious about something "bad" happening to her that I was not able to sleep or even eat.  At the hospital I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and my Doctor put me on a strong anti-depression medication as well as a sleeping pill to make me sleep!

    After a 4 day stay I was released to reunite with my husband and baby girl that was one of the best day's of my life. What a little sleep can do for a person is amazing. What I had not realized was, that I had many of the symptoms of depression well before I gave birth to my child. In that last months of my pregnancy I was having crying spells and sleepless nights and even some thoughts of self harm, which I thought were just part to being a crazy prego lady. Little did I know that ignoring all those thoughts and feelings would lead me into a mental breakdown.      

    As part of my discharge plan I agreed to see a therapist on weekly basis. I made an appointment and had my first session it was so odd to open up to a complete stranger and let out my most deepest secrets. As time went by through the therapy sessions, I learned that because of my history with childhood sexual abuse at the hand of two family members, I was terrified of being a parent. And more so... a parent to a little girl.....that explained why I was so nervous about something "bad" happening to my baby. It was not easy but slowly due impart to the therapy and medications I was able to slowly cope with Motherhood. 

Fast forward >>>. to late 2009

I  finally took a leap of faith and got off birth control because I wanted to leave it in Gods hands.

    In February 2010 my oldest Maricela was in a parent participation pre-school where I pretty much "worked" 4 days a week. I couldn't leave her alone with ANYONE. I remember one time I was helping at a art station with another parent, the children were instructed to paint a tricycle using geometric shapes. Well my daughter painted a large red and black tricycle and behind it she painted a identical one but it was much smaller. She then told the other parent at the station "This bike is for me and the little one is for my baby sister. Mommy has a baby in her tummy! and she is gonna stay small forever." I quickly told my daughter we didn't have a baby yet because it was too soon and that it might take some time for God to send us one. Little did I know Maricela was right! I was already pregnant with my baby girl Aliyah and I had no clue.

March 2010