In the summer of 2010 I was pregnant with my second child after going through genetic testing it was discovered she would be born with Translocation Down syndrome a common genetic disorder. Doctor's and Specialist's had given my husband and I four weeks to decide whether or not we wanted to continue the pregnancy because passed 24 weeks in my pregnancy it would become illegal to abort. Those were the longest four weeks EVER!!! At that point my OB/GYN informed us my pregnancy was now considered "high risk" http://miscarriage.about.com (One thing you may not know about Down syndrome is that it can also be a cause of miscarriage and stillbirth. Researchers estimate that as many as 80% of babies conceived with trisomy 21 (aka Ds) are miscarried or stillborn, and trisomy 21 may cause as many as 2% of ALL miscarriages and 1% of all stillbirths. These numbers do not factor in elective terminations of these babies. Researchers do not know why some babies with Down syndrome are miscarried while others are born as viable babies. Genetic factors may lead to the condition being incompatible with life for some babies but not others) we were then referred to Dr.Sherrie McElvy of Perinatal Associates of Sacramento to follow along with my regular OB's prenatal care.
During the weeks and months that followed my baby's diagnosis I had a total of 9 ultrasounds done on me! Yes 9 !!!! The specialist's were concerned about my baby's growth as it was measuring weeks behind schedule :( My baby also had two "hole's" in her little heart. After that was discovered by the perinatologist I was then sent to a pediatric cardiologist Dr. Stanley Wright who then preformed two or three more ultrasounds prenatally of my baby's heart also known as echocardigrams. This was very stressful to say the least I was on a up and down roller-coaster one minute I was praying for God to "take my baby" so she wouldn't suffer and the next I was pleading with God to heal her.
I must say that most of the medical professionals were kind and compassionate but there were a few bad apples one of which was a Doctor in my own OB's office he asked me on three separate occasions if I had been told by the perinatalogist that "I still had plenty of time" to do the abortion and made comments that if I continued with my pregnancy we should hope for "high functioning" I thought to myself see this is what I DON'T want for my child she already was being labeled she wasn't even born yet!!! :(
Thankfully looking back from the very beginning no matter what the doctors said to us my husband expressed he could not agree to abort our baby for any reason. He stayed firm we were gonna continue no matter what the health concerns might be. I on the other hand was not so sure what to do I was on a sick roller-coaster of emotions.
Through all of this I started to become depressed I couldn't even care for my 4 year old daughter so my husband decided to take a month in a half off work to take over. In my despair I spent my days locked in the bathroom under the warm shower it was the only place I could openly sob for hours without my 4 year old Maricela noticing. I could not eat or sleep much it was difficult to function. While my daughter and husband slept at night I was NOT at peace with my thoughts and was unable to sleep so I spent my nights in my baby's future nursery researching online EVERYTHING I could pull up about Down syndrome from birth to death. I went into this CRAZY RESEARCH mode (as a coping skill I guess??) I started reading countless blogs, watching You Tube videos of babies,children and adults with Ds you name it. I also started reading a parenting book I asked my husband to purchase for me called "Babies with Down syndrome: A New Parents Guide" By Susan J Skallerup and the novel "Expecting Adam" by Martha Beck which Ms. K (one of my angel's also my genetic counselor) pre-read for me she even bookmarked what chapters I should read and which pages to stay away from. When she handed me the book she also warned me about the outdated medical information it contained and that it also had a lack of "people first language" {the basic idea is to impose a sentence structure that names the person first and the condition second, for example "people with disabilities" rather than "disabled people", in order to emphasize that "they are people first".} as it was written about a child born in the late 80's it contained statements such as "down's baby" "down syndrome child" and the so very painful to read "retarded baby" etc. The story was about a young Harvard graduate who had a prenatal diagnosis of Ds just like myself only she decided right way to have her son she never questioned her choice like I was at this time. This poor woman was struggling with her own peers and medical community putting great pressure on her to abort her baby but she pushed through and gave birth to her son Adam.
In those long and painful four weeks I had a few close calls what I mean by that is... that I was on the verge of going ahead with the abortion but ever time I tried to act on those feelings I just could NOT do it. As the weeks went by the pain was so deep I wanted to die, I would pray to God to let me kill myself because I couldn't handle this pain, I prayed for God to take mu baby. If she didn't move for a few hours I was thinking "ok God answered my prayers" he took my baby to Heaven which I was praying for but this too was painful the thought of not being able to see my baby.
I was becoming more and more depressed I started to blame myself I hated the fact that because of my chromosomal Translocation my baby had Ds. I did 'this" to my baby it was my fault. I decided it was time to seek professional help I made an appointment with my primary care doctor he agreed and gave me a few names of some therapists. I called and left messages with three of them all women I wanted to talk a woman I didn't think a man could understand. The first to call me back was umm....I will called her Ms. V her voice sounded very motherly and nurturing I instantly felt safe with her she agreed to see me the following day.
I started to see Ms. V on a weekly basis sometimes twice a week as needed it was a great release for me to spill out all the dark thoughts and feelings during our sessions together. Soon I was able to "stuff" most of the pain and tears until my next weekly session but as the time was approaching for my next visit with Ms. V I was pretty much about to explode. Ms. V never once pressured me one way or the other she listened and offered support she was a great aide in my journey and I could tell she never judged me. Ms. V tried to show me it was not my fault or anyone's fault my baby would be born with Down syndrome but that took almost two years for me to truly believe in my heart. {A mother's guilt can be a BITCH!} Thanks to her and the support from my husband Ricky and both of our families also countless friends I endured passed those long four weeks.
After I was passed 24 weeks in my pregnancy there was a slight relief but my complete acceptance did NOT come. The days were a little more "normal" my husband went back to work I resumed the care of our oldest full time and I began socializing with friends one that holds a special place in my heart is my friend Melissa B. she met with my for weekly "playdates" at the park but they were more like "free therapy sessions" she prayed for me and encouraged me through the worst of my pain. I owe you big Mel!
The further I got into my pregnancy the more my "ugly" feelings towards my baby's diagnosis were beginning to blossoming into more positive feelings. But I still had my "bad day's" triggered by my research on Ds or sometimes out of no where. At this point in those dark times I was able to put on a brave face in public but at night and in the privacy of my bedroom it was another story. Some nights I still hurt so bad Ricky my wonderful husband was always there to hold and comfort me no matter what I said. In my grief I once even blamed him for my pain because in my mind if he would have just agreed to abort our baby she would be with God safe, not on her way here to have a miserable existence of suffering. Now everyday I thank God he sent me such a strong man he knew what he was doing when he joined us together. I don't know how my husband was able handle me I will forever be grateful to the love of my life, the man that stood by my side through all my ugliness.
Now there was someone else who helped me so much I truly believe and that was God. Even though in my meltdowns I questioned whether did he even loved me? and why he was doing this to me?! He kept me safe from myself. He started sending me countless signs just to share one of them which went from hurtful to joyful by the end of my pregnancy was that almost EVERY TIME I LEFT MY HOME I WOULD RUN INTO A BABY, A CHILD OR AN ADULT W/ DS sometimes two or even three in a day. No joke! At first it was torture for me but over the course of weeks and months it soon became comical. I would tell my husband "God's laughing at me again.." every time it happened. The reason I say God was laughing at me is because I believe God has a sense of humor he likes to show us what we don't notice has been there all along.
As I was nearing the end of my pregnancy I began to feel some joy and happiness about meeting my new baby my husband and I painted her nursery bought her a beautiful crib set made a custom monogram of her name for her room had all the cute girly clothes, cute hair bows and tiny diapers ready for our baby now we just wait for her arrival. By now my feelings had taking a turn I now was starting to realize I was worried sick about her! I knew the statistics I couldn't bear the thought of her passing away from medical complications.
How did I get here? How do I go from even considering abortion to this??? I can only say by the grace of God and the many angel's and countless "signs" he sent me and also because of the love and support of too many people to count but I did it! I got there!
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| These photos were taken the night I went into labor I had this feeling that my belly would be gone by the next morning so I decided to decorate it for Halloween since it was a few days away LOL Mari helped color! |
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| See ya tomorrow Mommy! xoxox Muffin |
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