"DON'T KILL HER!!!!!"

    I asked my sister Eva (aka one of my many angels along the way) to recall a phone conversation between us during one of the darkest moments of my grief. This was in July 2010 I was pregnant with my second child and had received a prenatal diagnosis of Down syndrome. But there was more....it was Translocation Down syndrome and the labs results showed that I too had a chromosome abnormality. I was born with Robertsonian Translocation what this meant was that every time I became pregnant there was one of four outcomes 1) a typical "healthy" baby 2) a baby with Robertsonian translocation like me 3) a baby with Trisomy 15 { not compatible with life or early miscarriage}  and lastly 4) a baby with Trisomy 21  also known as Down syndrome. In my mind it was like playing a sick game of Russian Roulette every time I got pregnant. This extra bit of information threw me into a deeper  depression I was on a wild roller coaster from hell! I was in a dark  hole I couldn't come out of, crying very minute of the day and night. I was soooo angry at myself, I felt guilty that "I did this" to the baby. It was my fault! I truly felt I was to blame for my baby having Down syndrome because if I had not been born "defective" then she would be healthy! I felt I needed to make things right I needed to protect her from this cruel world. I just wanted to send her back to God  :( 

Here is my sister's recollection of this painful moment for both of us.

Hey Sis,

    I remember that it was a very hot summer day in 2010 (Adriana is my sister's wife and my wonderful sister in law) Adriana and I were out at a friends house when I heard my cell phone ring, I picked up my phone and saw your name. I looked up at Adriana and told her it was you I then stepped away from the group so I could talk to you in private. I had this feeling about what you were calling me about. I answered my phone, you were sobbing hysterically you then told me that "You couldn't bare to cause any pain to your baby girl." this was not the life you wanted for her and that you were to blame for this so that best thing for her was to be with God. You were going "to terminate the pregnancy." I then asked you "Are you sure you will be able to live with that decision?" and you answered "Yes."  

     In my mind I was screaming "NO!!!!! Don't do it!! Please don't do it!!!! DON'T KILL HER!!" but I didn't say a word to you, I knew that I had to be a good sister and support your decision. So instead I told you that I would support you no matter what. You said  "It was the best thing for your baby girl and for all of us in the family" we ended our phone conversation. When I put the phone down I broke down into tears the pain was so deep Adriana asked me "What's wrong?" I told my wife what you had just said to me over the phone and her eyes got teary. I really didn't know if I had done the right thing because I did NOT agree with you.

    I thought to myself  "Who am I to tell you that you need to have this baby girl because I needed you to!!! I wanted to meet her, I want to see her grow, I want to see what she would become." How could I ask you to continue on the roller-coaster from hell because that is what it was like up, down, up, down and up not everyday but hour on the hour. It would kill me to see you in pain, crying and not be able to do anything for you. But in the same token I was selfish I could NOT picture our lives without your baby girl in them. I always felt that Aliyah was going to change us for the better, that she would take the pain away from our family. I told Adriana "If Chelo doesn't want her I do! Would you help me raise her?"  she said "Yes! Aliyah is a Angel God was sending to us and she needed to be born."

    So I called you back I didn't know the right way to say it to you, I didn't want to hurt you, but when I opened my mouth the first words that came out were  ''Please don't Kill her!! If you don't want her ? We do! Give her to me," We both were crying I went on to tell you that I knew I was being selfish but I had to tell you what I felt in my heart. Maybe it was my raw honesty but I think you started to realize what you were planing to do. We ended our conversation once more. I was a mess so I asked Adriana if we could go home she agreed it was the best thing to do. Instead of going home I rushed to your side you had been crying and we hugged you told me you were so sorry for being weak and that you had changed your mind you were gonna continue with the pregnancy. I felt a relief in my heart like no other.